Being a reasonably effective mother of twins really boils down to managing the competition inherent with twin siblings. From the point of their conception, Austin and Bassem have been in competition. In utero, the boys competed for air, fluid, and nutrients. As they grew bigger, space became a point of contention. While my insides contorted to accommodate them, they wiggled, kicked, punched, shoved, and squirmed for the best possible spot (it’s a wonder I still have any functioning organs left!). In the end, Baby A (Austin) was crunched in a ball with his head on my bladder. Baby B (Bassem) took up residence under my ribcage and kicked Austin in the head every 20 minutes or so. It was like being in a kick-boxing match, with my insides as the stage!
Now as toddlers, the boys compete for food, toys, time, and attention. They are always vying for the best toy, the best spot on the couch, in the car, on our laps….and so on. There is no end to the haggling, whining, and one-upping each other. Many attempts to individually engage one twin in an interesting activity usually results in the other twin making a bee-line for you like Pooh Bear to a honeycomb. There is no such thing as a covert operation around here.
When the boys started developing clear personal boundaries for themselves, and regularly trying “one-up” each other, I knew it was time to start proactively treating them like “ones.” By this I mean usually leaving the house with only one of the boys for some special one-on-one time. Now, this may mean an activity as interesting as shopping at Target (HUGE entertainment value for Bassem), or cruising the aisles at LOWE’S (Austin’s favorite destination). It may even be as simple as a private bath for Bassem (supervised by me), and water play in the kitchen sink for Austin (supervised by Larry). Even just getting them in separate rooms is highly successful in decreasing the noise level, commotion, and nerve-grating squabbling that we must endure on a nearly constant basis.
Like magic, once removed from the influence of their other half, Austin and Bassem’s personalities completely change. As a “one” they become observant, chatty, engaging, sweet, compliant, and helpful. I thoroughly indulge in the hugs and kisses I get during my one-on-one time with each of the boys. During these moments, I’m not worried about where the other one has run off too, or what trouble he’s causing. The parent-child bonding is not interrupted by someone else desperately clinging to my legs screaming, “No, MY MOMMY!!!”
I often wonder how parents do it. How do we bounce-back from the constant juggling act of work, chores, child rearing, shuttling kids around, getting food on the table, etc? The things that require our time just never end….and neither do the constant and unpredictable ups and downs of managing sibling rivalry. I wish I had a road map to guide me through the landmines that I face every day. Avoid doing X at Y time- that will set Bassem off and then he’ll take it out on Austin. Austin will scream and wail at the injustice of Bassem pushing him, and it will be all downhill from there.
I know my imperfections in managing twin rivalry will come back to haunt me. One day the boys will remind me how unfair it was that they went to time-out even though their brother “started it.” They’ll complain that they had to take turns wearing the Spiderman shoes, or the Elmo pajamas, or that they got short-changed on their back rub at bedtime because their brother was screaming “Brack rob! My brack rob now!!” But, they’ll also remember the good times- chasing each other around the house, throwing all their toys down the stairs, shampooing their hair with yogurt, feeding Jake fishy snacks, giving the bathroom rug a bath. They have today, and always will, a best friend for life. And even though I don’t think they will ever admit it, there’s not another person in this world that they’d rather join in time-out.
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