In a rare stroke of luck one rainy Sunday afternoon, the boys took an extra long nap, and we got to enjoy a few episodes of HGTV. One of the shows featured three couples who had spent $50K renovating their master bathrooms. As anticipated, the upgrades were not of the do-it-yourself variety. Some of the design choices were off-the-wall, but one couple in particular really pushed the envelope. Their toilet was a close second to Yoda and his Jedi mind tricks. It featured a wireless mount control, warm air dryer, catalytic air deodorizer, heated seat, oscillating spray massage, front and back aerated warm water spray, and auto flush. Oh, and let’s not forget the five start efficiency rating, at just 1.2 gallons per flush. And to top it off, this couple’s “water closet” also featured a wall mount cordless phone, a Kindle, wireless internet, and a coffee maker. It’s safe to say the better part of their weekend was likely spent near or on the commode.
So I’m sure you’re wondering what this couple’s crazy toilet has to do with parenting. Well, two things, actually. First, this was the first time in 2.5 years that I’ve actually seen an episode of HGTV, uninterrupted, from start to finish. Quite obviously an enormous milestone! Second, a good water closet is an absolute necessity for any family parenting small children. I’m seriously contemplating this $3,200 commode, even though I normally speed through nature calls before someone lights the curtains on fire. And I’m not joking.
So why have a $3K commode for occasional use? Well, because I use our bathroom as a hide-out. I like to think of it as “adult time-out.” In fact, this is actually what I tell the kids. When they start acting up, and I’m on my last shred of sanity, I say, “Mommy is going to time-out.” At which point I lock the bathroom door, grab a seat, and try to ignore the banging and commotion on the other side of the door. I’ve even evolved the routine to include white noise (the bathroom fan), ear plugs (to drown-out the wailing), a seat cushion (rolled-up bathroom rug) and reading material (Runner’s World is great). Self-initiated time-outs provide approximately 5 minutes of relative peace. After this time, it becomes clear that toilets were not designed for long term lounging, and I must collect myself and return to reality. Now, a $3K commode would certainly take my time-outs to a whole new level, don’t you think?
Aside from the funny toilet, this HGTV episode reminded me of a time in my life that I sometimes have trouble remembering. Pre-twins, we could indulge in “the finer things” (not a $50K bathroom, mind you, but something on our wish-list). You can indulge when you don’t have responsibility for anyone but yourselves. I honestly can’t remember the last time (as a parent) I lounged shamelessly on the couch, bought something silly or frivolous- just because, or even slept-in on a Saturday morning! Listening to this couple talk about their bathroom renovation, it was clear they had never been faced with the need to compromise, negotiate, haggle, compete, or otherwise place someone else’s needs above their own. It was a crazy step back in time- to how things used to be- once upon a time, long, long ago…
But, the funny thing is, when I’m sitting on the other side of the bathroom door, I’m already missing my kids. I know I need to center myself, so that I can manage the chaos, but my heart aches from the separation and I can’t help but crack a smile when the door is rattling and the kids are wailing, “Mommy come out to play!!!!” So would a fancy toilet and decked-out water closet keep me in the bathroom for more than 5 minutes? Probably not….but you can bet that I will be revisiting my bathroom décor as soon as the kids go off to college. J
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